Disney stars revealed to be not human
Dylan and Cole Sprouse, better known as the twins Zack and Cody on Disney's The Suite Life of Zack and Cody, were announced last Sunday to be man-made machines manufactured by the Olsen twins.
The former tween starlets, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, made billions as child stars. As they aged, however, their empire started to collapse.
"Our audience grew up and stopped paying attention to us," says Mary-Kate. "More importantly, they stopped paying for our crap merchandise." She taps her temple. "They got smart."
Continues Ashley, "This generation's young audience won't buy into us because we're no longer 'respectable.'"
Mary-Kate lights a cigarette and blows the smoke in a baby's face. "You get thrown into rehab for one coke addiction, and bam! You're an awful person. Like everyone wouldn't put stuff up their noses if they could afford it."
To make up for this lack of popular interest, the media moguls decided to make a different kind of investment.
"Little boys!" exclaims Ashley. "Everyone loves little boys. Their innocent, pre-pubescent sexuality targets the young girl AND older man demographic. It's great for selling products. Unfortunately, no parents would sell us their sons, so we had to make our own."
"Dylan and Cole are like our little science projects," says Mary-Kate. "Our brilliant little science projects. They look great on transcripts too. They're how I got into NYU.
"They also fit in my purse."
A Disney representative could not be reached as of press time. Season three of The Suite Life is set to air in the fall.
The former tween starlets, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, made billions as child stars. As they aged, however, their empire started to collapse.
"Our audience grew up and stopped paying attention to us," says Mary-Kate. "More importantly, they stopped paying for our crap merchandise." She taps her temple. "They got smart."
Continues Ashley, "This generation's young audience won't buy into us because we're no longer 'respectable.'"
Mary-Kate lights a cigarette and blows the smoke in a baby's face. "You get thrown into rehab for one coke addiction, and bam! You're an awful person. Like everyone wouldn't put stuff up their noses if they could afford it."
To make up for this lack of popular interest, the media moguls decided to make a different kind of investment.
"Little boys!" exclaims Ashley. "Everyone loves little boys. Their innocent, pre-pubescent sexuality targets the young girl AND older man demographic. It's great for selling products. Unfortunately, no parents would sell us their sons, so we had to make our own."
"Dylan and Cole are like our little science projects," says Mary-Kate. "Our brilliant little science projects. They look great on transcripts too. They're how I got into NYU.
"They also fit in my purse."
A Disney representative could not be reached as of press time. Season three of The Suite Life is set to air in the fall.
posted by becky at 12:44 PM
3 Comments:
"Everyone loves little boys. Their innocent, pre-pubescent sexuality targets the young girl AND older man demographic." haha holy shit I love this!
becky,
this reassures me that I will infact be plugging your name in the near future to feel cooler around other people...
that being said, perhaps they let in the black girls because it is fo pau (SP) to turn away ethnic minorites, but not poor white girls like us..holar affirmitive action (i'm sure you thought of this)
what I meant was... hi becky! xo jenneen
"fo pau"
faux pas, dumbass
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