What an STD Looks Like
Fish Rap Live!
Volume 18 Issue 2
Sexually transmitted diseases. Nobody wants them, but about 1 in 5 Americans are currently infected with a viral STD, and the vast majority of people living with an STD contract it while under the age of 25.
Well aware of these statistics, the good people of UCSC provide students with means of protecting themselves: free testing at the health center, cheap condoms at the co-op, countless sexcapade-esque education events…the list goes on and on.
Unfortunately, even with all the practically free latex and lube floating around, students are still coming home with positive test results. The rates of disease-positive young women are rising particularly fast. No one knows why – maybe 21st century women are more empowered (read: sluttier), or maybe they’re just uneducated. What we do know is that many women are semen receptacles; the mucous membranes in their vaginas soak that stuff up. And if the semen they’re soaking up is riddled with STDs, then their vaginas are doomed to rot off.
Condoms can help prevent this from happening, but they don’t always work. Plus, not all STDs are transmitted via bodily fluids. Some, like the cancer-causing HPV, are passed through skin-to-skin contact. Unless women are willing to wear full-bodied latex suits, they essentially don’t have the option of not being at risk for an STD. They could, of course, try that abstinence thing, but let’s be real here.
Physicians say that there is no way to tell if a person has an STD while they are asymptomatic. I say they’re wrong. I say that there are ways of telling whether a guy has an STD just by glancing at them from across the room. I like sex, but I also like my cervix pink and healthy. To ensure that indulging myself doesn’t come at the price of some hepatitis C, I have come up with a way of safely determining a guy’s potential fuckability. There are different types of guys. Most of these types have STDs. Here are the major ones that heterosexual women need to look out for:
1. Guys who wear aloha shirts and not for ironic purposes. Their bright green shirts are meant to distract women from their bright green penis.
2. Any guy you meet anywhere near the media theater. Theater geeks are incestuous. If one person has something, they all have something.
3. Hippies.
4. Ask yourself this: Did the apple of your eye dress up like a pimp for Halloween? Misogynists have literal bugs up their asses. You don’t want to go near them.
5. Guys with zits around their mouths. We are in college now. We are adults. Adults do not get acne. If you see a guy with what you think are zits around his mouth, think again. Those zits are herpes.
6. That really hot T.A. in your politics class. Wannabe politicians have to sleep their way to the top. They use sex as a power tool, and people who sleep around for power don’t use protection.
7. Film studies majors: See the above explanation for details.
8. Men water polo players. They don’t all necessarily have STDs, but they do all have premature ejaculation problems.
I’m no certified sexpert, and I’m by no means a filthy whore, but I have been around the block enough times to know a thing or two about a thing or two. I’m not fooled by men’s charades, and neither should you be. Pay attention to the details of that charmer in your chem lab. Sure he’s cute, but is he clean?
Just remember: the most important thing about sex is to stay safe. Protect your body and your dignity – always use a condom.
Volume 18 Issue 2
Sexually transmitted diseases. Nobody wants them, but about 1 in 5 Americans are currently infected with a viral STD, and the vast majority of people living with an STD contract it while under the age of 25.
Well aware of these statistics, the good people of UCSC provide students with means of protecting themselves: free testing at the health center, cheap condoms at the co-op, countless sexcapade-esque education events…the list goes on and on.
Unfortunately, even with all the practically free latex and lube floating around, students are still coming home with positive test results. The rates of disease-positive young women are rising particularly fast. No one knows why – maybe 21st century women are more empowered (read: sluttier), or maybe they’re just uneducated. What we do know is that many women are semen receptacles; the mucous membranes in their vaginas soak that stuff up. And if the semen they’re soaking up is riddled with STDs, then their vaginas are doomed to rot off.
Condoms can help prevent this from happening, but they don’t always work. Plus, not all STDs are transmitted via bodily fluids. Some, like the cancer-causing HPV, are passed through skin-to-skin contact. Unless women are willing to wear full-bodied latex suits, they essentially don’t have the option of not being at risk for an STD. They could, of course, try that abstinence thing, but let’s be real here.
Physicians say that there is no way to tell if a person has an STD while they are asymptomatic. I say they’re wrong. I say that there are ways of telling whether a guy has an STD just by glancing at them from across the room. I like sex, but I also like my cervix pink and healthy. To ensure that indulging myself doesn’t come at the price of some hepatitis C, I have come up with a way of safely determining a guy’s potential fuckability. There are different types of guys. Most of these types have STDs. Here are the major ones that heterosexual women need to look out for:
1. Guys who wear aloha shirts and not for ironic purposes. Their bright green shirts are meant to distract women from their bright green penis.
2. Any guy you meet anywhere near the media theater. Theater geeks are incestuous. If one person has something, they all have something.
3. Hippies.
4. Ask yourself this: Did the apple of your eye dress up like a pimp for Halloween? Misogynists have literal bugs up their asses. You don’t want to go near them.
5. Guys with zits around their mouths. We are in college now. We are adults. Adults do not get acne. If you see a guy with what you think are zits around his mouth, think again. Those zits are herpes.
6. That really hot T.A. in your politics class. Wannabe politicians have to sleep their way to the top. They use sex as a power tool, and people who sleep around for power don’t use protection.
7. Film studies majors: See the above explanation for details.
8. Men water polo players. They don’t all necessarily have STDs, but they do all have premature ejaculation problems.
I’m no certified sexpert, and I’m by no means a filthy whore, but I have been around the block enough times to know a thing or two about a thing or two. I’m not fooled by men’s charades, and neither should you be. Pay attention to the details of that charmer in your chem lab. Sure he’s cute, but is he clean?
Just remember: the most important thing about sex is to stay safe. Protect your body and your dignity – always use a condom.
posted by becky at 2:01 PM
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