Disney stars revealed to be not human

Dylan and Cole Sprouse, better known as the twins Zack and Cody on Disney's The Suite Life of Zack and Cody, were announced last Sunday to be man-made machines manufactured by the Olsen twins.

The former tween starlets, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, made billions as child stars. As they aged, however, their empire started to collapse.

"Our audience grew up and stopped paying attention to us," says Mary-Kate. "More importantly, they stopped paying for our crap merchandise." She taps her temple. "They got smart."

Continues Ashley, "This generation's young audience won't buy into us because we're no longer 'respectable.'"

Mary-Kate lights a cigarette and blows the smoke in a baby's face. "You get thrown into rehab for one coke addiction, and bam! You're an awful person. Like everyone wouldn't put stuff up their noses if they could afford it."

To make up for this lack of popular interest, the media moguls decided to make a different kind of investment.

"Little boys!" exclaims Ashley. "Everyone loves little boys. Their innocent, pre-pubescent sexuality targets the young girl AND older man demographic. It's great for selling products. Unfortunately, no parents would sell us their sons, so we had to make our own."

"Dylan and Cole are like our little science projects," says Mary-Kate. "Our brilliant little science projects. They look great on transcripts too. They're how I got into NYU.

"They also fit in my purse."

A Disney representative could not be reached as of press time. Season three of The Suite Life is set to air in the fall.

Change in weather consequence of living on planet Earth

A new study shows that dealing with seasonal changes is just par for the course when inhabiting Earth. This includes temperamental rain clouds, daylight savings time, and, most polemically, tolerating the beating hot sun.

Dirk Hutchinson, a meteorologist for Channel 99 News in Los Gatos and a part-time server at the coffee kiosk in the Ocean and Marine Sciences building, says that it has taken him years to come to terms with the oppressive heat.

"At first, I was like, ‘Man, this sucks!’ But now, I just carry a water bottle."

The general populous seems to share Hutchinson’s feelings of resistance and then acceptance of the weather. "‘If a problem can be solved, there is no use worrying about it. If it can’t be solved, worrying will do no good.’" Hutchinson pauses emphatically to take a sip of coffee. "The Dalai Lama said that when he was in that Brad Pitt movie."

UCSC students, on the other hand, are not taking this matter lightly.

"How are we supposed to smoke our cigarettes and brood in the quad under these conditions?" asks Maggie Fillerman, a Porter second-year. "I can’t work like this."

College 10 student Bertha Biggins agrees: "I have a perspiration and body odor problem as is. This heat isn’t helping. My hippie roommate doesn’t even believe in air-conditioning!"

Outraged students are organizing a protest that will be launched the next time Mother Nature raises the thermostat above 70 degrees. The protest will rally at the Porter Squiggle after sunset (because that’s when it stops being so hot) before its participants march to Science Hill.

"We’re going to give those scientists a piece of our mind!" declares Biggins. "They can’t just turn up the heat whenever they want. We live in a democracy. This is the sort of thing that should be brought to a vote."

She continues, "I’m a pacifist, but if things get ugly, I’m not going to put a stop to it. I’ll do anything to get rid of my perpetual B.O. I pass out at the sight of blood, but…I’m just saying."

Science Hill representatives are actively reacting to the threats. The buildings have been barricaded by CSOs since last Friday evening.

DRAFT 1: The Suite Life of Zack and Cody spec script -- COLD OPEN

Written by me and Ryan O'Connell
Tentatively titled "Barbara is a Cheating Little Slut"

COLD OPEN

FADE IN:

INT. SCHOOL – DAY (DAY 1)
(CODY, ZACK, BARBARA, DEVIN)

ZACK IS STANDING WITH A CUTE GIRL NEAR THE BOYS’ LOCKERS. THEY ARE DISCUSSING SOMETHING INTENTLY WHILE CODY IS STANDING NEXT TO HIS LOCKER, PUTTING BOOKS AWAY. THE CONVERSATION BETWEEN ZACK AND THE CUTE GIRL GETS INTENSE, AND SHE SLAPS HIM AND STORMS AWAY. ZACK APPROACHES HIS LOCKER AND PULLS OUT AN ICE PACK TO PUT ON HIS CHEEK.

CODY

(ACCUSINGLY) What did you do?

ZACK

I had to break it off with Emily. She wasn’t fond of my four other female prospects. She wanted me to – get this – date only her.

CODY

That’s the third break up slap this week! Isn’t your face starting to hurt?

ZACK

It’s a small price to pay for being the most eligible bachelor in school. I can’t let one lady get too attached. I need to keep my options open.

CODY

Well, one girl is enough for me. Barbara and I are doing great. Last night she told me that I had the brains of Isaac Newton and brawn of a young Tom Hanks.

ZACK

Yikes. Where is Barbara anyway?

CODY

She is probably taking her old best friend, Devin, on a tour of the school. Her family just moved back into town.

ZACK

Devin, huh? Is she cute? Set me up!

BARBARA AND DEVIN ENTER, LAUGHING AT EACH OTHER’S CONVERSATION. IT IS REVEALED THAT DEVIN IS A BOY.

ZACK (CONT’D)

Never mind.

CODY

…Hey, Barbara.

BARBARA

Hi, Cody! I want you to meet Devin.

CODY

Hi. You’re…not what I expected you to be.

ZACK

So Barbara, how well do you and Devin know each other?

BARBARA

Devin and I met back in Temple a million years ago.

DEVIN

We fought over the last dreidel at Jewish Jamboree. (TO BARBARA) I still think I got to it before you did.

BARBARA

Oh Devin! I’m so happy he’s back!

BARBARA HUGS DEVIN AND CODY LOOKS UNCOMFORTABLE.

CODY

Anyway! Barbara, are you and I still on for our study date tonight?

BARBARA

Oh, I’m sorry Cody. Devin and I made plans to go bowling tonight. We can study some other time.

BARBARA AND DEVIN EXIT. CODY LOOKS DEJECTED. ZACK HANDS CODY ANOTHER ICE PACK.

CODY

What’s this for?

ZACK

To ice your bruised ego.

OFF CODY’S LOOK, WE:

FADE OUT.

END OF COLD OPEN

Zack and Cody -- Act 1 Scene 1

ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

FADE IN:

INT. LOBBY – A LITTLE LATER (DAY 1)

(CAREY, MOSEBY, MADDIE, LONDON, EXTRAS)

CAREY IS SITTING ON THE LOBBY COUCH, DRESSED UP FOR WORK. SHE IS TYPING ON HER LAPTOP. MOSEBY APPROACHES AND LOOKS OVER HER SHOULDER.

MOSEBY
Carey, I’ve been watching you type for the past seven minutes and twenty-eight seconds. What do you think you are doing?

CAREY
Okay, first of all, creepy. Second of all, I’m on my break. I’m filling out a matchmaker survey so I can be set up on a blind date.

MOSEBY
(INTERESTED) Really? (REGAINING COMPOSURE) Pshaw! That’s absurd. Your break is over.

CAREY
Sheesh, calm down. Looks like I’m not the only one in dire need of some fun. (TYPING) "Overbearing hotel keeper seeks someone to boss around."

MOSEBY
Ba ba ba, get back to work.

MOSEBY SHOOS CAREY AWAY AND THEY EXIT. THEN, LONDON STAGGERS INTO THE LOBBY THROUGH THE ELEVATOR WITH HER EYES PATCHED UP. SHE IS WAVING A CANE AROUND. SHE EVENTUALLY MAKES HER WAY TO MADDIE’S CANDY COUNTER, KNOCKING GUESTS AND FURNITURE ON THE WAY.

MADDIE
Is this the new look for fall?

LONDON WHACKS MADDIE IN THE HEAD WITH HER CANE.

LONDON
I had an allergic reaction to the eye shadow I put on this morning. My eyes are going to be swollen shut for the next 72 hours. I have to put this cream on every time they start to itch.

LONDON HOLDS UP A TUBE OF CREAM. MADDIE TAKES IT FROM HER.

MADDIE
London, this is toothpaste.

LONDON
What? Let me see that. (GRABBING THE TUBE OUT OF MADDIE'S HAND AND THEN YELLING IN THE WRONG DIRECTION) Maddie! What am I going to do?

MADDIE
Well, you can’t stand here. You’re scaring the customers.

MADDIE LEADS LONDON OVER TO THE LOBBY COUCH AND HANDS HER A MAGAZINE.

MADDIE (CONT’D)
Here, read this.

LONDON THUMBS THROUGH THE MAGAZINE AND THEN REALIZES THAT SHE CAN’T SEE IT. SHE CALLS TO MADDIE FOR HELP.

LONDON
Maddie! Maddie! Maddie?

MADDIE PUTS EAR MUFFS ON HER HEAD AND SMILES CONTENTLY.

CUT TO:

Zack and Cody -- Act 1 Scene 2

ACT ONE

SCENE TWO

INT. SCHOOL – NEXT DAY (DAY 2)
(ZACK, CODY, BOB)

ZACK IS AT HIS LOCKER, PUTTING HIS BINDERS AWAY. CODY ENTERS, LOOKING CONFUSED.

ZACK
What’s wrong with you?

CODY
Barbara skipped out of the after-school book club today to go somewhere with Devin. She’s half the club!

ZACK
You seriously need better extracurriculars. Do you know where she went?

CODY
I have no idea.

BOB BURSTS INTO THE HALLWAY, OUT OF BREATH.

BOB
Cody, I have urgent news for you!

CODY
What is it, Bob?

BOB
I saw Barbara and Devin in the library. They were canoodling in the classic romantic literature section.

CODY
Oh no!

BOB
Wait, there’s more.

CODY
What is it? (SHAKING BOB BY THE SHOULDERS) Tell me, man, what did you see?!

BOB
Well, it’s Barbara. She’s…she’s…she’s wearing her open-toed sandals.

CODY
It’s more serious than I thought.

CODY BURIES HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS.

ZACK
(COMFORTING CODY) Don’t worry, Cody. The most important thing to remember is to act calmly and rationally. Be mature about this.

CODY
What should I do?

ZACK
There is only one thing to do. We’ll go spy on them!

CUT TO:

Zack and Cody -- Act 1 Scene 3

ACT ONE

SCENE THREE

INT. LOBBY – A LITTLE LATER (DAY 2)
(LONDON, MADDIE, MOSEBY, JAMES, EXTRAS)

LONDON IS STILL SITTING ON THE LOBBY COUCH, CLICKING HER TONGUE FURIOUSLY LIKE A DOLPHIN USING ECHOLOCATION. A PUNK ROCK BOY NAMED JAMES IN SKIN TIGHT BLACK PANTS, A STUDDED BELT, A RIPPED SLEEVELESS BRITISH FLAG SHIRT, AND BLUE ICEBERG SPIKES APPROACHES LONDON WITH A CONFUSED LOOK ON HIS FACE.

JAMES
Excuse me, girly. If you don’t mind me asking, what in the bloody heck are you doing?

LONDON
I’m trying to echo-ly locate my sandwich, like my pet dolphin used to do with her caviar.

JAMES HANDS LONDON HER SANDWICH.

LONDON (CONT’D)
Thanks. I’m London, by the way.

JAMES

I’m from London!

LONDON
My daddy says there was a bridge there named after me, but it all fell down.

JAMES

(LAUGHING, THEN) James.

JAMES TAKES LONDON’S HAND AND SHAKES IT.

JAMES (CONT’D)
Pleased to meet you. Sorry to hear about that bridge.

LONDON
Oh don’t worry. There will be others. What brings you to America?

JAMES
I’m here with my band. We’re trying to land an American record deal.

LONDON

Wow, you’re in a band?

JAMES
Yeah, we’re like a cross between the Clash and the Misfits, but we draw inspiration from other artists. Sid Vicious is my hero. I play bass.

LONDON (COWERING)
Sounds scary.

JAMES
(LAUGHING) So what’s a pretty bird like you doing sitting around in a hotel lobby?

LONDON
I’m blind as a bat for the next three days and I’m afraid that if I leave my chair I’ll hurt myself. I’m completely helpless.

JAMES
That’s nonsense. I’ll escort you around…if you’d like.

LONDON
You would do that for me?

JAMES
Just let me go get my coat.

JAMES EXITS. MADDIE RUSHES UP TO LONDON.

MADDIE
London, are you okay?

LONDON
Who’s there?!

MADDIE
It’s me, London.

LONDON
My name’s London!

MADDIE
It’s Maddie, you dolt. Who was that boy? Did he hurt you? Did he steal something?

LONDON
No. That’s James. He’s taking me out. Tell me, Maddie. Is he cute?

MADDIE

No, London, he’s not.

LONDON
What?

MADDIE
He’s not cute. He’s a total babe. He is so your type.

LONDON
Tall, dark, and handsome? And rich?

MADDIE
Yeah.

JAMES ENTERS WITH HIS COAT.

JAMES
Ready, London?

LONDON
I’m ready. But first, how tall and rich are you?

JAMES
What?

MADDIE
Just go!

MADDIE SHOVES JAMES AND LONDON TOWARDS THE DOOR. THEY EXIT. MOSEBY APPROACHES MADDIE.

MOSEBY
Maddie, did you really just let London leave the hotel premises with that hooligan?

MADDIE
Yes.

MOSEBY
Thank goodness. She’s been nothing but a nuisance since she lost her sight.

MADDIE
She’s only been blind for a day.

MOSEBY
I know, and she’s been clicking nonstop!

CUT TO:

Zack and Cody -- Act 1 Scene 4

ACT ONE

SCENE FOUR

INT. LIBRARY – LATER (DAY 2)

(CODY, ZACK, BARBARA, DEVIN)

CODY AND ZACK ARE HIDING BEHIND THE LIBRARY SHELVES, PEERING THROUGH THE BOOKS AT BARBARA AND DEVIN. BARBARA AND DEVIN ARE SITTING NEXT TO EACH OTHER AT A TABLE, SURROUNDED BY SHAKESPEARE AND OTHER ROMANTIC WORKS.

CODY

Is that a Danielle Steele novel? It’s three in the afternoon! People can see!

ZACK

Shh! You’ll blow our cover.

BARBARA

(LOOKING AT HER WATCH) Oh, Devin, we have to go now if we want to make that foreign film at the plaza.

BARBARA AND DEVIN GET UP TO LEAVE. BARBARA ACCIDENTALLY LEAVES HER NOTEBOOK BEHIND. THEY EXIT. THE BOYS EMERGE FROM BEHIND THE BOOKCASE.

CODY

(WORRIEDLY PACING BACK AND FORTH, TRYING TO REASSURE HIMSELF) Maybe it’s not what it looks like. They were probably just doing some homework. We have that big book report due date coming up, and there is so much work to do in math….

ZACK WALKS UP TO THE TABLE WHERE BARBARA’S NOTEBOOK IS. HE PICKS IT UP AND A LETTER FALLS OUT.

ZACK

I wouldn’t be too sure about that.

CODY

What is that?

ZACK

It’s a letter. I found it in Barbara’s notebook.

CODY

What are you suggesting we do? We can’t open it. That would be a complete invasion of privacy. It would betray Barbara’s trust in me. I refuse to open that letter.

ZACK

What if I open it?

CODY

Oh yeah, that’s fine.

ZACK

(READING FROM THE LETTER) "Dear my dearest buttercup, I think about you constantly. Absence certainly makes the heart grow fonder. Mi amore, mi corazon beats for you. Love, your Stallion."

CODY

"Stallion"? Barbara’s vegetarian! (TURNING TO ZACK) You’re the idea man. What should I do?

ZACK

It’s time for Plan B: Make Barbara Realize What She’s Missing.

CODY
What?

ZACK

We need to bring in reinforcements. Reinforcements that are blonde, 16, and can appreciate a good foreign film.

CODY
You’re not suggesting…?

ZACK
Oh yes.

CUT TO:

Zack and Cody -- Act 1 Scene 5

ACT ONE

SCENE FIVE

INT. MOVIE THEATER – A LITTLE LATER (DAY 2)

(ZACK, CODY, MADDIE, LONDON, BARBARA, DEVIN, JAMES, EXTRAS)

MADDIE

I’m surprised you wanted to see this movie with me, Cody. I never knew you had such a keen interest in foreign films.

CODY

Me neither.

CODY AND MADDIE MAKE THEIR WAY THROUGH THE AISLE. CODY SPOTS BARBARA AND DEVIN NEAR THE FRONT.

MADDIE

(GESTURING TO A SEAT NEAR THE BACK) How about we sit right here?

CODY

No! I mean, we should sit closer. I heard those subtitles are hard to read.

MADDIE

But I hate sitting so close to the loud speakers. It gives me a headache.

LONDON COMES BARRELLING INTO THE THEATER WITH JAMES.

LONDON

(YELLING) Where are we?

MADDIE

On second thought, the front of the theater seems fine.

CODY AND MADDIE RETREAT TO THE FRONT OF THE THEATER, OFF SCREEN.

JAMES

We’re at the Cineplex. We’re seeing a French love story.

LONDON

French? I don’t speak French!

JAMES

But you said you really liked French culture.

LONDON

I said I liked French fries. There’s a difference.

JAMES

Oh. Well, that’s okay. I’ll just read you the subtitles.

LONDON

You’re so sweet and considerate.

LONDON AND JAMES FIND A SEAT. JAMES PUTS HIS ARM AROUND LONDON AND LONDON SNUGGLES IN. LONDON POKES HERSELF WITH A SPIKE ON JAMES’ JACKET.

LONDON (CONT’D)

Ow! What was that?

JAMES

Oh, sorry.

JAMES REMOVES HIS JACKET.

CUT TO:

CODY AND MADDIE MANEUVER THEIR WAY OVER PEOPLE IN THE AISLE. CODY PICKS TWO SEATS RIGHT IN FRONT OF BARBARA AND DEVIN.

BARBARA

Cody, is that you?

CODY

Oh, Barbara. What a surprise. I didn’t know you were here. I just came on my own accord to view an intellectual foreign film because I am an intellectual.

DEVIN

I love French films. Cody, I’m so glad we share common interests.

CODY

We don’t have to share everything!

DEVIN AND BARBARA LOOK CONFUSED.

MADDIE

(SITTING DOWN AND RUMMAGING THROUGH HER BAG) Here’s your twisty straw for your orange soda. I brought one from the hotel because I know how upset you get when you don’t have your twisty straw. Is the movie starting?

CODY

(LOUDLY AND OVER HIS SHOULDER TOWARDS BARBARA) Oh, thank you, Madeline. My date to the movie. My older, mature, sophisticated date to the movie.

CODY PUTS HIS ARM AROUND MADDIE.

MADDIE

What are you doing? Are you cold?

CODY REMOVES HIS ARM. A BEEPING SOUND COMES FROM CODY’S BACKPACK.

MADDIE (CONT’D)

Turn off your cell phone! The movie is starting.

CODY CROUCHES OVER TO HIS BACKPACK AND PULLS OUT A WALKIE TALKIE. BENDING OVER TO REMAIN HIDDEN FROM SIGHT, HE…

CODY

(WHISPERING INTO WALKIE TALKIE) Eagle to Falcon. What is your location? (PAUSE) Zack! Where are you?

ZACK POPS UP BETWEEN SEATS IN THE BACK, WEARING A HAT AND SUNGLASSES.

ZACK

(WHISPERING INTO WALKIE TALKIE) I’m in the theater. Sorry for the delay. Some blind girl held up the line. The target is spotted. I am in position.

CODY

(WHISPERING INTO WALKIE TALKIE) Got your ammo?

ZACK LIFTS UP A BAG OF POPCORN.

ZACK

(WHISPERING INTO WALKIE TALKIE) Got it. Extra butter.

ZACK AND CODY END THEIR CORRESPONDENCE. ZACK DIVES INTO THE AISLE AND CRAWLS ON HIS ELBOWS TOWARDS BARBARA AND DEVIN. HE CRAWLS INTO THE ROW A FEW PLACES BACK FROM BARBARA AND POSITIONS HIMSELF. HE TAKES OUT BINOCULARS AND PEERS AT THE COUPLE.

CUT TO:

JAMES

Do you want anything to eat or drink?

LONDON

I could go for something chocolate-y and chewy.

JAMES

Chocolate-y and chewy? I’ll be right back. Stay here.

JAMES EXITS.

LONDON

(SNIFFING) I smell popcorn. I could go for some of that too. James? James, I want popcorn. James!

LONDON GETS UP TO EXIT. SHE STARTS CLICKING HER TONGUE AND STEPPING ON PEOPLE. PEOPLE SHUSH HER AS SHE MAKES A RUCKUS.

LONDON (CON’TD)

(SNIFFING IN ZACK'S DIRECTION) It smells so good.

LONDON SHUFFLES AND CLICKS TO WHERE ZACK IS HIDING. SHE STARTS BLINDLY REACHING FOR HIS POPCORN.

ZACK

Hey, what are you doing?

LONDON

Zack, is that you?

ZACK

London? You’re the blind girl that took ten minutes to tear her ticket stub?

LONDON

It was made of stiff cardboard! Give me some of that popcorn.

BARBARA AND DEVIN TURN AROUND, ANNOYED, TO SEE WHAT ALL THE COMMOTION IS ABOUT. ZACK NOTICES AND YANKS LONDON DOWN TO THE FLOOR WITH HIM.

ZACK

Get down here! You’re gonna blow my cover!

LONDON

(EATING ZACK'S POPCORN) What are you doing?

ZACK

This is a covert operation. I’m making sure that Cody doesn’t get duped by this shady Devin character.

LONDON

Sounds serious.

ZACK

It is. I know you’re blind right now, London, but how’s your throwing arm?

LONDON

Well, I’m good at throwing money around.

ZACK

That’s good enough for me. Every time I say go, throw a handful of popcorn at Barbara and Devin. (DIRECTING HER) That way.

LONDON

Sure, whatever.

OVER ZACK’S WALKIE TALKIE, WE HEAR CODY.

CODY What’s going on?

ZACK

Hold tight. I recruited another reinforcement.

LONDON

Double trouble!

CODY

Is that London?

LONDON

Hi, Cody!

AUDIENCE

Shhhh.

CODY

Do something quick. I hear them sharing a box of candy.

ZACK

Okay, London. You remember where I told you to aim?

LONDON
No.

BARBARA REACHES ACROSS DEVIN’S LAP TO GRAB A BOX OF CANDY.

ZACK

Go! Go! Go!

ZACK AND LONDON START THROWING POPCORN IN EVERY DIRECTION. ZACK HITS BARBARA AND DEVIN WHILE LONDON’S POPCORN LANDS ALL OVER THE OTHER MOVIE PATRONS. THE AUDIENCE RUMBLES AND DEVIN STANDS UP TO SEE WHAT THE ISSUE IS.

DEVIN

Barbara, isn’t that your friend from school?

ZACK

Abort!

ZACK RUNS AWAY AND EXITS, LEAVING LONDON STRANDED. CODY STANDS UP LIKE A DEER IN THE HEADLIGHTS.

BARBARA

Cody, why is Zack here? I know for a fact he doesn’t like foreign films. He doesn’t even understand people with accents.

CODY

He’s just trying to broaden his horizons.

BARBARA

Well, he made me miss the first part of the movie. (TO DEVIN) Come on. We’re leaving. (TO CODY) Have fun with your mature, sophisticated girlfriend.

BARBARA AND DEVIN EXIT.

MADDIE

What just happened? Did she say girlfriend?

CODY (MEEKLY)

Well, you’re a girl, and you’re my friend….

MADDIE

You were just using me to make Barbara jealous. This is ridiculous and obviously implausible. I’m leaving.

MADDIE EXITS.

CODY

Wait, Maddie, I’m sorry. Maddie! Wait up. You’re my ride!

CODY EXITS.

LONDON

(EATING POPCORN) Hello? Zack? Cody? Maddie? James?

AUDIENCE

Shut up!

THE AUDIENCE THROWS POPCORN AT LONDON, AND WE:

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT ONE.

Zack and Cody -- Act 2 Scene 1

ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

INT. SCHOOL – NEXT DAY (DAY 3)

(ZACK, CODY, BARBARA) ZACK AND CODY ARE AT THEIR LOCKERS. CODY LOOKS TIRED AND WORRIED.

ZACK

Don’t worry. Barbara didn’t suspect a thing. She probably doesn’t even remember we were at the movies by now.

BARBARA ENTERS.

BARBARA

(TO CODY) What was wrong with you at the movies?

ZACK

(TO CODY) See ya.

ZACK EXITS.

BARBARA

You’ve been acting really weird the last few days.

CODY

No, I haven’t.

BARBARA

Yes, you have. For our poem project in English, you wrote a poem called "Four-Eyed Betrayer" and you stared at me the whole time you were reading it aloud. What was that about?

CODY

That is my art, Barbara. I am not at liberty to disclose where my inspiration lies.
BARBARA I wish you would just tell me what is bothering you.

CODY

I found it, okay?!

BARBARA

Found what? Your sanity?

CODY

The letter.

BARBARA

What letter?

CODY

You tell me, "my dearest buttercup."

BARBARA

Who did you hear that from?

CODY

I found the letter after I saw you writing it at the library with Devin.

BARBARA

You spied on me and then went through my personal belongings?

CODY

"Spy" has such a negative connotation. I would call it "casual observation behind the bookshelves." And technically, Zack opened the letter.

BARBARA

You let your brother go through my personal belongings? That’s even worse!

CODY

What’s even worse is that I thought you liked me.

BARBARA

I do like you, Cody. Or, I did before you went through my stuff. For the record, that letter belongs to Devin. I was helping him write a love letter to his girlfriend back home.

CODY

A likely story.

BARBARA

He’s bad at grammar and needed my help. I wouldn’t lie to you, Cody. Believe me or don’t. I’m telling the truth.

BARBARA WALKS AWAY AND EXIT. ZACK ENTERS.

ZACK

Well don’t you feel stupid. You shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions like that.

CODY

You’re the one who wanted to spy. And you’re the one who wanted to go to the movies.

ZACK

When is it ever a good idea to listen to me?

ZACK REACHES INTO HIS LOCKER AND PULLS OUT AN ICE PACK.

ZACK (CONT'D)

Ice pack?

CODY TAKES THE ICE PACK BEGRUDGINGLY AND PUTS IT ON HIS HEART.

CUT TO:

Zack and Cody -- Act 2 Scene 2

ACT TWO

SCENE TWO

INT. LOBBY – LATER (DAY THREE)

(LONDON, MADDIE, JAMES, EXTRAS)

MADDIE IS AT HER CANDY COUNTER. LONDON COMES RUSHING IN WITHOUT HER EYE PATCHES.

LONDON

I can see! I can see!

MADDIE

Oh joy.

LONDON

Maddie, I’m so excited! I’m going to see James in all his British glory today. After our perfect dates and the way you described him, Maddie, he seems like the future Mr. London Tipton.

MADDIE

Oh, yeah. Where is old James, anyway?

LONDON

He should be getting back from his band practice any minute. I’m meeting him down here in the lobby.

MADDIE

His band practice, huh?

LONDON

Yup. He played me one of their songs yesterday. It sounded like a car crashing. But, I like him, so I’ll look past the fact that he has no music talent.

MADDIE

I think that’s how it’s supposed to sound. It’s punk music.

LONDON

What’s punk music? I’m going to his show tonight. Should I borrow your ear muffs?

MADDIE

London, there’s something you should know about James. He’s….

LONDON

Amazing?

MADDIE

Well, I mean, the thing is….

JAMES AND HIS BAND WALKS IN THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR.

MADDIE (CONT’D)

…he’s here right now.

LONDON

Where? Where is he? Those spiky kids are blocking my view.

LONDON RUNS OVER TO JAMES AND HIS BAND. SHE PUSHES THEM OUT OF THE WAY, EXPECTING TO SEE SOMEONE ELSE. NO ONE IS THERE. LONDON YELLS OUT IN AN EMPTY SPACE.

LONDON (CONT’D)

James?

JAMES

London, it’s me. I thought you got your sight back?

LONDON

James? What are you wearing? Did Halloween come early this year?

JAMES

No, I wear this every day.

LONDON

Oh. Well, it’s very pointy…and scary. I’ll always be able to spot you in a crowd.

JAMES

Well, we just finished our rehearsal and we’re leaving for our show. Are you ready to go?

LONDON

Yeah, about that. I…I promised Maddie I’d help her count jelly beans at the candy counter tonight.

LONDON GESTURES TOWARDS MADDIE. MADDIE LOOKS AT LONDON DISAPPROVINGLY.

LONDON (CONT’D)

Sorry.

JAMES

Oh, well, that’s okay I guess. If your friend needs your help tonight. I’ll call you tomorrow and we’ll do something.

LONDON
Um, I’m busy tomorrow.

JAMES
Doing what?

LONDON

I’m…how about I just call you?

JAMES

(IRRITATED) I’m leaving in three days. Whatever. Call me when your schedule clears.

LONDON

I’ll see you before you leave. Have a good show!

JAMES EXITS IN A HUFF AND HIS BAND FOLLOWS.

MADDIE

Counting jelly beans? Really?

LONDON

You didn’t tell me he looked like a circus freak!

MADDIE

What does it matter? I thought you liked him.

LONDON
I do, but it’s just not realistic. I could never bring him to formal balls. He could certainly never lunch with me and the ambassadors of countries I plan on purchasing.

MADDIE

Does that really matter to you?

LONDON

Yes.

MADDIE

Why?

LONDON

Because it has to.

LONDON STORMS OFF AND EXITS.

MADDIE

(CALLING AFTER LONDON) Hey! These jelly beans aren’t gonna count themselves!

CUT TO:

Zack and Cody -- Act 2 Scene 3

ACT TWO

SCENE THREE

INT. FAMILY SUITE – LATER (DAY 3)

(CAREY, CODY)

CAREY IS SITTING ON THE COUCH WITH HER LEGS UP ON THE TABLE. SHE IS TYPING ON HER LAPTOP.

CAREY
(TYPING) Singer, good cook (HOLDING UP LEG, EXAMINING, AND SHRUGGING), legs for miles.

CODY SULKS INTO THE ROOM AND SITS NEXT TO CAREY.

CODY

Mom, I have a problem.

CAREY

(TYPING) Unlicensed therapist.

CODY

Barbara’s friend moved back to town, and basically I’ve been seeing green all week. I turned into a jealous jerk and now she’s not talking to me.

CAREY

What did you do?

CODY

Well, a little bug by the name of Zack got in my ear.

CAREY

That’s never good.

CODY
I was convinced that Barbara liked Devin more than me.

CAREY

I’m assuming Devin is this other guy?

CODY

Yeah. He and Barbara have history. They go all the way back to Jewish Jamboree!

CAREY

That is intense.

CODY

Right, so, I freaked out and thought that Barbara would never want to see me when she could see someone like Devin. That’s when things turned sour.

CAREY

Oh, sweetie, we’ve all been there before. I’ve had relationships in the past where there has been zero trust and I would turn into a nervous wreck. I would think that every girl was competition and then I would go crazy. I would spy, read his mail, hide in his bushes…. It wasn’t pretty.

CODY

Sounds familiar. Make sure to not write that in your online personal ad.

CAREY

I’m creatively editing as we speak.

CODY

What did you do to stop?

CAREY

Shock therapy. That’s why my hair can’t grow out.

CODY’S JAW DROPS.

CAREY (CONT’D)

I’m just kidding. You need to sincerely apologize to Barbara and tell her that you acted that way because you like her so much. If she likes you back, she’ll give you a second chance. If she doesn’t forgive you, then it wasn’t in the cards. It will hurt, but you will survive.

CODY

I don’t want her to not talk to me anymore. She’s the only one that understands me when I speak in binary code.

CAREY

That is hard to find in a girl in junior high. Or…ever. I hope for your sake it works out, but if it doesn’t, I’ll be here to pick up the pieces. I always am.

CODY AND CAREY HUG.

CODY

Wow, Mom. Why are you single? You give such good advice.

CAREY

I ask myself that every day.

CUT TO:

Zack and Cody -- Act 2 Scene 4

ACT TWO

SCENE FOUR

INT. LOBBY – A LITTLE LATER (DAY 3)

(LONDON, MADDIE, EXTRAS)

LONDON WALKS INTO THE LOBBY THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR, HOLDING SHOPPING BAGS. SHE APPROACHES MADDIE'S CANDY COUNTER.

LONDON

There’s nothing better than Caesar salad for lunch with a side of a thousand dollar shopping.

MADDIE

(SARCASTICALLY) Good to see you’ve bounced back, London. Have you talked to James?

LONDON

(GUILTILY) Um, no. (DROPPING HER BAGS AND CLUTCHING HER STOMACH) Ow!

MADDIE

London, are you okay?

LONDON

Oh, yeah. Look at this new dress I got.

MADDIE

Forget about the dress, London. Why haven’t you talked to James yet?

LONDON

I was never really that serious about him to begin with. (CLUTCHING STOMACH) Ow!

MADDIE

It seems like you’re having an adverse reaction to the word "James."

LONDON CLUTCHES HER STOMACH AND DOUBLES OVER.

LONDON

Owwww. What is happening?

MADDIE

You’re experiencing pangs of guilt, London.

LONDON

What?

MADDIE

Guilt. It’s like buyer’s remorse, but worse because this time, you’re hurting people instead of your wallet.

LONDON

I know what guilt is! And I’m not experiencing any guilt. James and I just didn’t click. (CLUTCHING STOMACH) Ow.

MADDIE

You know you haven’t called James because you’re embarrassed of his style. When you were blind, all you talked about was how happy James made you. Now that you know what he looks like, you’re avoiding him. Who cares what people think if they see you together? You need to get over yourself.

LONDON

Excuse me, but I like being under myself.

MADDIE

This is a new low, even for you. Have fun dealing with pains in your stomach the rest of your life.

LONDON

You’re wrong, and I’m going to prove it.

MADDIE

How?

LONDON

I’m going up to James’ room right now, and I don’t care who sees me.

LONDON LOOKS AROUND AND THEN PUTS A SHOPPING BAG OVER HER HEAD. SHE EXITS TO THE ELEVATOR.

CUT TO:

Zack and Cody -- Act 2 Scene 5

ACT TWO

SCENE FIVE

INT. SCHOOL – NEXT DAY (DAY 4)

(BOB, ZACK, CODY, REPORTER BOY, GIRL, EXTRAS)

ZACK AND CODY ARE TALKING NEXT TO THEIR LOCKERS WITH BOB. CODY STILL LOOKS UNHAPPY AND ANNOYED WHILE ZACK LOOKS SELF-ASSURED AS ALWAYS. BOB IS GESTURING WILDLY AS HE IS TELLING A STORY.

BOB

And then she was like, "Kiss me." And then I was like, "No babe, I have a curfew."

ZACK

Who is this again?

BOB

(QUICKLY) You don’t know her. She doesn’t go to this school. She lives in Nebraska.

CODY

Yeah, right.

BOB

You’re just jealous because Zack and I are ladies mans while you and Barbara are on the outs. I heard that at 3:24 yesterday afternoon, Barbara stormed the hallways after a heated argument at the lockers.

CODY

Where do you get all this information?

BOB

I have eyes and ears all over this institution.

A SMALL REPORTER BOY POPS OUT OF THE TRASHCAN AGAINST THE WALL BEHIND THE BOYS. HE IS WEARING A REPORTER HAT AND IS HOLDING A PEN AND NOTEPAD.

REPORTER BOY

Psst! Bob! I have news.

BOB

(TO BOYS) Excuse me one moment, gentlemen.

BOB SCURRIES OVER TO THE REPORTER.

REPORTER BOY

There was a throw down in the boys’ bathroom near the gym. Jimmy Jameson allegedly ate a urinal cake for five dollars. Now he’s in the emergency room.

BOB

Let’s go before we get scooped! (TO ZACK AND CODY) It was a pleasure talking with you, but duty calls.

BOB RUNS OFF WHILE THE REPORTER BOY LOOKS AROUND AND THEN DUCKS BACK INTO THE TRASHCAN. ZACK AND CODY EXCHANGE A BEWILDERED LOOK.

ZACK

(TO SELF) That was bizarre. (TO CODY) So Barbara still isn’t talking to you?

CODY

Yeah…. (LOOKING OVER AT TRASHCAN) Hang on one second.

CODY WALKS TO THE TRASHCAN AND PUTS THE LID ON IT.

CODY (CONT’D)

That’s better. No, Barbara is still avoiding me. She’s not answering my calls or anything. I think I’m just gonna give up.

ZACK

Don’t give up yet. There are so many more ways to humiliate yourself trying to win her back.

CODY

Funny.

ZACK

I’m just kidding. Look, it’s getting late. You’re going to miss your book club meeting if you don’t leave now. Books always make you feel better, right buddy?

CODY

Yeah…. Wait a minute, the book club! That’s it! I’ll win Barbara back the same way I got her: through books!

ZACK

Exciting. You know, if you ask me –

CODY

I didn’t. See you later.

CODY EXITS EXCITEDLY.

ZACK

(LAUGHING TO SELF) Books. If he’d just follow my advice, Barbara would be like putty in his hands. Books.

GIRL

(OFF SCREEN) Zack Martin!

ZACK

Uh oh.

AN ANGRY CUTE GIRL STORMS ON SCREEN WITH AN ARMY OF ANGRY CUTE GIRLS BEHIND HER.

ZACK (CONT’D)

Hey, Janine. How’s it going? Have you lost weight?

GIRL

My name is Genevieve.

ZACK

Oh. That’s…not good.

GIRL

Me and the girls have been talking. We’ve had it up to here with your games. It’s time to pay, Zack Martin.

ZACK BEGINS TO BACK UP INTO A CORNER.

ZACK

Wait. Maybe we can work things out. Maybe I can take you all out. My mom has a minivan.

THE GIRLS AMBUSH ZACK AND ATTACK HIM. ZACK DISAPPEARS INTO A SWARM OF GIRLS. HE RESURFACES ON THE FLOOR, ATTEMPTING TO CRAWL OUT OF THE SWARM. THE REPORTER BOY POPS OUT OF THE TRASHCAN WITH THE LID ON HIS HEAD.

ZACK (CONT’D)

Help me!

THE REPORTER BOY SNAPS A PICTURE OF ZACK.

REPORTER BOY

Sorry. It’s just business.

THE BOY LOWERS HIMSELF BACK INTO THE TRASHCAN. A GIRL GRABS ZACK BY THE LEG AND PULLS HIM BACK INTO THE SWARM. ZACK DESPERATELY TRIES TO CLING TO THE FLOOR WITH HIS FINGERNAILS, BUT IT IS NO USE.

CUT TO:

Zack and Cody -- Act 2 Scene 6

ACT TWO

SCENE SIX

INT. JAMES’ SUITE – A LITTLE LATER (DAY 4)
(JAMES, LONDON)

JAMES IS SITTING ON THE COUCH, PLUCKING AWAY ON HIS BASS. HE STOPS EVERY ONCE TO WRITE DOWN A SONG LYRIC. THERE IS A KNOCK ON HIS DOOR. JAMES GETS UP AND ANSWERS.

JAMES
(SHOCKED) London?

LONDON PUSHES PAST JAMES AND INTO THE SUITE. SHE IS WEARING PUNK CLOTHES: FISHNET STOCKINGS, A BLACK SKIRT, AND A RIPPED UP SHIRT WITH AN ANARCHY SYMBOL. HER HAIR IS SPIKED UP IN A MOHAWK.

LONDON
Before you say anything, I want you to know that I spent all of yesterday in the slums of Boston. I saw real-life homeless people. I had to go to stores that weren’t designer brand to get these clothes. Stores called Miss Rocky Horror and Punker Plus. The paparazzi had a field day, but I didn’t hide from them once. If you see a picture of me in "It Weekly" dressed like this, don’t be surprised.

JAMES
Whoa, hold on. What is all this about?

LONDON
I did it for you. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t call you because your clothes frighten me. I was just nervous.

JAMES
I make you nervous?

LONDON
Who I date ends up in the public eye. I have an image that you don’t fit.

JAMES
So I guess this is it then? Just because I don’t fit your mold, you can’t be seen with me?

LONDON
No! Don’t you get it? I put on these clothes and I came up here to tell you that I don’t care what people think about me when I’m with you. I like you, hair spikes and all. Although, I have a great hairstylist that could really tone those down a bit and give them a nice shape.

JAMES
(LAUGHING) These aren’t going anywhere, doll.

LONDON
Okay, just a thought. I’m sorry. Are we okay?

JAMES
What you did was harsh and shallow. I thought you liked me. And then all of a sudden, you see one spiky belt and you run for the hills. All because of what society might think.

LONDON
That was then. (GESTURING TO HER OUTFIT) This is now.

JAMES
I don’t care how you dress, London. I like you for you, just like you should like me for me.

LONDON
I do like you.

JAMES
Good, because I like you too.

LONDON
Truce?

JAMES
Yeah. Come here, you little punk rock princess.

LONDON
Princess? I like the sound of that.

LONDON AND JAMES HUG.

JAMES
So I guess that makes me the Sid to your Nancy.

LONDON
Your who to my what?

JAMES
Never mind.

CUT TO:

Zack and Cody -- Act 2 Scene 7

ACT TWO

SCENE SEVEN

INT. CLASSROOM WITH A BOOK CLUB BANNER – LATER (DAY 4)
(CODY, BARBARA, BOB, REPORTER BOY)

CODY IS SITTING ON HIS CHAIR, LOOKING ANXIOUS. HIS FOOT IS TAPPING AND HE IS WIPING THE SWEAT OFF HIS BROW. BARBARA ENTERS AND SITS IN THE OPPOSITE CHAIR.

CODY

You came!

BARBARA

Don’t flatter yourself. I’m only here because I know how good academic extracurriculars will look on my college application. Let’s get on with it. What book are we discussing?

CODY

"The Scarlet Letter." If you don’t mind, I’d like to start.

BARBARA

Fine.

CODY

"The Scarlet Letter" is about a woman named Hester Prynne who is forced to wear her shame on the front of her clothes.

BARBARA

I know what it’s about, Cody. I read it in second grade.

CODY

As book club president, I picked this book to discuss because I have something in common with Hester.

CODY STANDS UP AND STARTS TO UNBUTTON HIS SHIRT.

BARBARA

Cody, what are you doing?

CODY

My name is Cody Martin, and my scarlet letter…

CODY UNBUTTONS THE LAST OF HIS SHIRT AND DRAMATICALLY REVEALS THE SHIRT UNDERNEATH. IT HAS THE LETTER "I" PAINTED IN RED ON IT.

CODY (CONT’D)

…is "I" for "Idiot."

BARBARA

I hope that marker ink is washable.

CODY

Barbara, I am so sorry for the way I acted this week. I should have known better than to not trust you. It’s just that when I saw you with Devin, I felt threatened.

BARBARA

But I told you he was just my friend.

CODY

I know, and I should have listened. But I was too caught up in trying to win you back that I didn’t even listen to you. I’m sorry. I’m an idiot.

CODY GESTURES TO HIS "I."

BARBARA

You’re not an idiot, Cody, and you never had to win me back. I was already yours to begin with.

CODY

Really?

BARBARA

Well, not technically. I’m not your property or anything. I’m a feminist.

CODY

And I respect that.

BARBARA

That’s why we get along so well. You’re not like other guys.

CODY

I’m not, am I?

BARBARA

What other guy would cry during a movie about cartoon penguins with me?

CODY

They mate for life. It’s so touching. You haven’t told anyone about that, right?

BARBARA

Uh….

CODY

You know what? It’s fine. I’m comfortable with it. Just…try not to tell anyone else.

BARBARA

Your secret’s safe with me.

BARBARA STANDS UP AND KISSES CODY. SUDDENLY, A BOOK SHELF FALLS DOWN TO REVEAL BOB. HE IS HOLDING A STETHASCOPE UP IN THE AIR AS IF HE WAS LISTENING INTO THE CONVERSATION THROUGH THE SHELF WHEN IT FELL. THE REPORTER BOY IS WITH HIM, ARMED WITH A CAMERA.

BOB

You know what? I’ll just go. I’ll just leave.

BOB AND THE REPORTER START TO EXIT.

BOB (CONT’D)

As you were. (TO REPORTER) Did you get all that? Penguins.

THE REPORTER SNAPS A QUICK PICTURE AND THE TWO RUN TO THE EXIT.

CODY

Why don’t we skip out on the rest of book club and go see the rest of that foreign film? Don’t worry; Zack won’t be there this time.

BARBARA

Oh, I would, but Devin and I already have plans. (OFF CODY’S LOOK) Just kidding!

CODY AND BARBARA EXIT HOLDING HANDS.